In search of a fresh lead on life, I brought fortune cookies to work today:
I also brought some Dove chocolate, for comparison:
So there you go. COOKIES > CHOCOLATE
I’m reminded just now of how some chocolates made me so irate the other day…
Last year at Christmas I left for a few weeks to visit my dad and when I came home I found mice had chewed through EVERYTHING IN MY KITCHEN. I was forced to throw out a lot of food and began hearing as I went to sleep at night, real or imagined, the sound of tiny mice feet skrit skrit scratching on my floor, pawing at plastic bags and climbing up my bedspread to nest in my hair or smother me.
I was a paranoid mess and began storing lots of things in the fridge that shouldn’t be kept in the fridge (cereal boxes, baking chocolate, nuts, etc.) until sometime around September when I finally moved most of it back to the pantry area.
In the shuffle, a bag of Dove chocolates went missing and reappeared about a month ago. I’ve started to bring them to work with me and eat them.
These chocolates have little affirmations printed on the inside of each wrapper. They are often predictable (today’s include “Dance your heart out as if nobody is watching!” and “Dream big…remember, dreams do come true.”) but yesterday’s were just insane to me! I was furious!
Okay, I don’t have them right in front of my face because I threw them instantly away, but basically the first one I opened said, “Don’t worry about it. Not everything needs to get done!”
The next one said, “It’s okay to say NO. Really.”
Well, fuck!
Some crazy part of my brain is struggling with these ideas. My gut reaction is not to accept it because it seems so illogical and burdensome to say no and not do absolutely everything.
I know, right? What’s wrong with me.
But it’s confusing! You’re supposed to…leave stuff? And be cool about it besides. With all this undone stuff. That’s insane to me. IN-SANE. You don’t forget about unfinished business. You worry it to death until you get around to it and then you do your best job. If you’ve actually passed on an opportunity that can never be yours again, you must simply REGRET IT FOREVER AND EVER.
So, really, no? No is an acceptable answer. Do tell. How fascinating.
Even if it means missing out on a chance to do something awesome? Or letting someone down? Or having to explain WHY you have to say no and letting other people try to guilt you into saying yes anyway? I do not like it. I do not like it one teensy little bit.
It’s wisdom for the kind of women who eats flavored yogurt when she’s peckish and frames words like “LAUGHTER” on her wall. Someone who has every reason to be calm because she has nothing else going on.
“Say no to cooking dinner and treat yourself!” Is that what that’s supposed to mean? They couldn’t mean, “Say no to an exciting job opportunity and make the most of your current position!” or “Say no to dancing tonight so you can pad that bank account!” or “Say no to networking opportunities so you’re not on trial for abandoning the festival you created!”
Because I feel like I’ve been saying no to some pretty enticing stuff lately and the only reason I am able to do this is because I ODed on yeses and have to reform now before I have a heart attack.
Adam helped me take some stuff to Buffalo Exchange yesterday and they barely wanted anything even though I had 3+ heaping bags full of stuff. So! Now I’m trying to figure out what to do with it all.
Some things I might keep yet. Most of it I plan to sew into…something.
Before digging into the rejects, I went through sweaters in my basement storage and turned two into miniskirts (only one successfully) to cut my teeth since it’s been awhile since I’ve sewn. I’ve never actually sewn a garment successfully but I’m feeling very ready right now, which is a good sign. I typically work on hobbies in this order: I try it and don’t want to read books or study or do any preparation, so I just dive in and mess up, my efforts are laughable, I take a break that may last years, I think about the hobby in the interim, I return to the hobby much improved, maybe passable. I like to learn through failure. I don’t take advice or instructions to heart until I’ve failed first on my own terms.
I feel really excited now about sewing and making stuff and crafting things. I’m wearing the good sweater mini today.
When I was a kid I thought miniskirts were so trashy. I thought there couldn’t be a way to cover yourself and stay decent. Now they’re pretty much all I ever want to wear. I love them a lot and when you wear opaque tights or leggings it’s no big deal. I’m real glad I came around.
I have a lot of sewing supplies in heaps around my apartment and I really need to sort it all out and get organized and make it useful instead of a mess. Wish me luck. I’ve been hoarding for years and never had time to devote to it, but this is a priority for 2012, working with fabric.
My grandma Morean always had a pile of tiny quilted items in her living room that she could give as gifts to whoever came over to visit. To get a real quilt you had to be pretty special, but you could be anyone to take from the quilt basket.
I had a similar basket when I lived in a duplex on Stevens after college, but not since. Back then I just put weird stuff into it I didn’t want and whoever might want it could take it. I’d like to do some of that again but also put little handmade things into it too, since there’s no way I could make really awesome useful craft sale worthy stuff with the fabric I have now. Maybe I can make a bunch of pencil or glasses cases or something very small to fit in my vending machine. I don’t know what.
I’m really obsessed right now with the idea of sewing my own underwear and lingerie. First of all: that stuff is so EXPENSIVE for what it really is. Plus I can never find a slip to save my life and I need them all the time and would love to have the ability to make my own for any occasion or dress. I’m requesting some library books on the subject and really look forward to learning more. Seems like a very useful way to use small bits of fabric, which I have a lot of, since I have so many remnants and, now, jeans, shirts and dresses I can hack into whatever.
I also did laundry and made some freezer food yesterday. I made enchiladas and meatballs. I made mashed potatoes and gravy for the meatballs earlier in the weekend and I’m so excited to try it. I used my popsicle forms to freeze the gravy and that really makes me laugh. I hope this works out.
Freezer food successes include: beef stew, spicy black bean soup, shells with cheese, beef pasties, fudgecicles, popsicles, cookies, pie crust. Not sure what’s next on the freezer menu for me. Right now I’m out of room. Happy to take suggestions though.
Being able to focus on things like this — attacking my crafts and cooking more — has been so great. I’m so happy.
I’ve been feeling a lot better about life post-MIX. I find it difficult to even think about comics right now — writing the word just then made me cringe a bit — and I’ve been actively avoiding roles and situations where I might be asked to organize in my spare time. This last year had a pretty big effect on me in ways I’m not totally sure I understand yet. I’m grateful I set myself up for a break.
The thing that surprises me most coming out of MIX, apart from the cessation of smoking being relatively easy (today marks one month smoke-free), is how little I want to drink or impulse shop anymore since working to remove stress from my life.
I guess stress always exists for me or anyone in some form, but I’d never been so pressure-cooked in my life as I was last year working on that show. And to be available for the work I had to take very little time for myself, and to deal with the stress I had to alleviate it or risk having it show in my work, and that wasn’t acceptable, so I leaned on alcohol and cigarettes and shopping (and those are just the obvious things) and I’m still in the early stages of walking away from all that and simply living again and even though I feel like it’s so obvious what I got out of those things — and I understand why I couldn’t say no at the time and I’m not going to blame myself for it — that stuff left a mark and I’m dealing with it now and I’m having a hard time not looking at comics and feeling like “that’s a hurt place” you know? And that’s weird. I feel weird about that. I’m having a hard time accepting that I don’t feel good in comics anymore. I’ve been in a limbo and I don’t want to write them off completely because I don’t know when I’ll be sure about it either way, but I’ve been wanting to downsize and have less stuff and for the first time I thought about all my comics and had no emotional attachment at all. I thought, ‘I’ll never loan this out. I’ll never want to look at it again. I’d rather have the money and make it go away and create some room.’
And I started to think about everything I’ve built up in the past few years — printing supplies and other things — and how much I did or did not need or want it anymore. And how I might feel if it were gone. And pretty much in every case I thought, ‘I’d rather have the money back, and the space.’ And it kind of scared me, all the space I’d created for myself, mentally, between me now, happy*, and me then, working hard for something vague, and just what I’ve been about for the last six years and what it means now that I want a change. The emptiness, when I thought about selling it all, kind of scared me so I’m not totally sure how much I’m willing to let go at this point. I’d like to try using up supplies this year and selling some books and at the end of it see where I’m at and assess just how much more I’d be willing to shed or gain footing that lets me take some things back on. This year is so necessary for me and I’m going to spend the whole time figuring what I’m about and it’s tough and I’m sure I sound like a whiner for talking about it so much but I don’t know how much other people go through this stuff and I just wonder, if stress was part of the discussion, maybe it would be a help to me and other people who have taken on too much at one or more points in their lives, create some room for understanding, and maybe direct better, clearer advice to people who need stress relief so they don’t just abuse their livers and finances.
At intervals I wonder what I’ll regret, responding to my feelings this way and pushing away from this huge part of my life, comics, but I’m less restricted by “what ifs” now than I would have thought. I would much rather be where I’m at now, without that stress in my life, than where I was a year ago when I was in pursuit of everything, and it makes me less concerned about having regrets if I never return to comics at all.
*I don’t like to be obvious about it, and I hate to sound co-dependent, but I’ve been incredibly lucky in my current relationship and Adam deserves all the credit. To say that I’m happy with no mention of him at all seems like a lie. It’s been the most important thing.
What a week!
I read last night for Paper Darts for their humorous read-off last night against The Tangential and it was a lot of fun and also WE WON.
Then today I learned I am a finalist for the vita.mn Hotness Contest so THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR HELP.
My bestie got into a very competitive journalism workshop so HER LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
My friend stunned audiences on American Idol last night and WILL NOW BE A MAJOR STAR.
What’s your good news? Is everything coming up roses for all people in all places?
I am so excited! You guys!
A friend of mine is on American Idol this season WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? I’ve been reading all the spoiler blogs and lots of strangers seem to have high hopes for him too.
THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE IN FOR!
I’ve been thinking back to all these memories I have of him from our teen years — we met in middle school when we carpooled to junior honors choir — and then went to the same church and had the same best friend and I saw him all the time for oral interp and community theater and state/national choir but we went to different high schools in neighboring cities in South Dakota so I just know him from the fun out-of-school stuff.
I spent a lot of my teen years observing him be a musician and an actor and a dancer and a creative person and now he’s going to make it and I just can’t get over how great this is going to be for him and everyone who loves and believes in him.
I’m so incredibly proud of him and I just keep thinking about how remarkable his whole life has been — he might be the most interesting person I have ever met — and this is just such a very huge deal. He’s going to come out of this thing so amazing. I’m really looking forward to his life after this. I keep slapping my head thinking, duh, this is how it was always going to be. He’s someone who should be performing big hits on a stage to huge audiences. He’s so built for it. And he could make it. He could be a star.
He’s worked so tirelessly and he’s so loved and energetic and in control of his voice, now more than ever. He’s pursued exactly what he loves and something really amazing is going to happen for him as an artist right now and I get to watch it happen and I’m just so excited that, as a viewer, I can take in all that proof that this is where he’s meant to be. I’m so so so happy for him.
I haven’t made a New Year’s resolution but I definitely need to make some changes with how my time is spent, and that trickles into a lot of other things.
Hi! Shameless plea for help.
I think the vita.mn annual hotness contest is hilarious. Last year I made a joke plea on Facebook to be nominated and two people stepped up. Which was embarrassing, but then AWESOME! Because even if you don’t win, as a finalist that year, we all got a free +1 invitation to go to this really really fun hotness issue release party with a fashion show and free booze and Playatta video portal and a dance party and a VIP room for nominees with piles of free cheese! I want to go back to the party! But also not a lot of people signed up, I just realized, so now I’m like whoa! What if I’ve got a shot? So maybe you should vote for me so I win maybe and get lots of prizes! Ah! Fun! Prizes! Party! Thanks, friends!
I took Jacie as my date last year and we had such a good time we said we’d nominate each other again this year so we could go. Vote for her too!
UPDATE!
Hal from Playatta is up too!
Tomorrow marks my second non-smoking week!
This feels like a serious victory. After my first MIX I quit smoking soon afterward but immediately picked it up when something stressful happened. This time another stressful thing happened but I haven’t fallen back into the habit. It’s been really good. I’m optimistic.
Yesterday I opened up my closet and just hated EVERYTHING. So today I went through closets and drawers and made a waist-high pile of clothes I’ll try to sell or donate or something soon. That feels good too.
I want to pare down considerably this year and de-clutter every single part of my life. People do that, right? I’m going to believe it’s possible for me to not just have mountains of stuff to deal with and become more available, focused and reliable.
I bought a used oven-top krumkake iron today! I’m going to make so many rolled cookies. I bet I could use it to make pizzelles too. And cannolis.
I saw Hugo today and I thought it was really inspiring. I liked what it said about purpose and creativity.
This week is going to be so busy. But that’s fine.
Happy New Year, everyone.
2011 can suck it. I hated that year more than anything. It ranks among the most awful years I’ve ever lived through, period.
I had very little control over my life in 2011. I anticipate a healthier, better, more balanced life in 2012. There’s a lot to do and look forward to. I think I kind of see where things are going. I’m not on the hook to be or do or make things happen for anyone but myself this year.
I’m still a little frazzled and stressed out, catching up after a year spent on high alert trying to develop things for other people, but it’s happening. I can feel this anxious stress coil inside unwinding somewhat. If nothing ridiculous happens in the next four months I might be on track to have a really productive year.
When I wake up tomorrow, I will have spent a whole week smoke-free. I’ve got the end in sight for a big work project I’ve been stressing over. I’m cooking a lot more lately, which makes me feel good, just the act of making something but also the thrift and taste of it. I’m really happy when I can be in a place to cook for myself. I didn’t have a lot of that last year, honestly.
I’m giving 2012 a hesitant but hopeful thumbs up.
